Sailing Rough Waters of Conflict

I’ve never done any sailing.  I’ve not even spent a lot of time on the water, really.  I’ve gone fishing, I’ve done water skiing and wake boarding, I’ve even done a bit of canoeing and kayaking.  In my limited amount of maritime experience, however, I did have one experience in which a storm came up while we were out on the water and we had to make it back to the shore as quickly as possible to avoid “rough seas.”  It was a little unnerving, but we made it and didn’t have to weather the storm at all.  I remember, however, a friend sharing an incident he had on the Chesapeake Bay that wasn’t quite so good.  The storm came up so fast on them, they didn’t have time to make it to shore.  They had to ride out the storm near an island of the Bay Bridge-Tunnel and by the time they were done, the waves were breaking over the bow of their little motor boat.  It was a pretty precarious situation, but they made it through.

Conflict can be that way…it can come up on you quickly, without much warning and can feel pretty overwhelming at times.  Whether it be at home, in the workplace or with a friend, sailing the rough waters of interpersonal conflict can be a pretty rocky ride.  Add to that, a personality that avoids confrontation (me) and it isn’t much fun to sail those seas.

Why Conflict May Arise

This list isn’t exhaustive, but it is a pretty good overview of the possible reasons conflict may arise in your life.  I believe it is important to examine the causes before we can hope to effectively apply the principles to address the conflict.

Misunderstanding

I think this is probably the most common causes of conflict…and sadly so.  When we misunderstand someone’s actions or motives, we may bring about a conflictual relationship that grows out of that circumstance.  This can often be a result of jumping to conclusions without have the full information.  When we are not in the mix, just observing from the outside, the chances of misunderstanding is great.  Assumptions are made and we have the potential for conflict.

Disagreement

We all have our opinions.  Some people are more opinionated than others.  Some are more vocal with their opinion than others.  And, you know what?  That’s okay.  I’m glad there are a variety of opinions among the people with whom I interact.  I have learned a lot from hearing the opinions of others over the years.  The conflict arises, however, when one person is determined that their opinion must be followed no matter what without exception.  Now granted, in the work setting, there is a boss who must make the decisions and the proverbial buck stops at his desk.  Two sides of the coin in that situation must be considered.  The boss, if he is wise, will receive and consider the advice and input of those who are working in that setting.  When he makes his decision, however, the employees have to accept that decision and work with it out of respect for his position.  If that doesn’t happen, conflict will result.

Power Grabbing

Sometimes, conflict occurs in people’s lives because there is a struggle for power and influence.  We see this in families, marriages and employment environments.  When one’s position is not strong enough to accomplish their personal ambitions and goals, they will typically vie for position and power to get what they want.  If the person who engages in this practice is actually in a position that doesn’t merit such power, a potential conflict erupts.  In marriages, this happens all the time.  The God-given roles of love and respect are blurred as the wife endeavors to take over the leadership role, instead of the respect role.  For the child who is strong-willed, there will be an attempt to manipulate the parents to get what they want.  This desire for power and control is as old as the Edenic family dynamic.

Selfishness

That’s an insidious problem…we all suffer from it!  The drive to be self-centered is as natural as breathing.  Our fallen nature has caused us to seek what we want, sometimes at the expense of anyone else around us.  Divorce…case in point.  This is an attitude we must all guard against.  It is the attitude that says, “I deserve this.”  It is the attitude that refuses to “think of others better than yourself.”  Selfish living will ALWAYS lead to conflictual relationships.  Selfishness can’t be tolerated in marriages, families, friendships or the workplace.

Strategies for Avoiding the Rough Waters

There is no way to avoid conflict altogether.  However, there are certain strategies we can employ to reduce the probability of conflict and to disarm it when it does rear it’s head.

• Get the Facts – Don’t just to conclusions.  That will usually always lead to conflict.  If there is a situation that involves you, be sure to talk to the people who have the information.  Gather all the information that you need to understand completely what is happening.  An uninformed person with a strong opinion is a loose cannon.  Don’t fire before you have all the facts.
• Think the Best of Others – I know this can make you a bit vulnerable at times, but it really is the best approach to take in relationships.  I remember, as a teenager, reading about a family member who had been charged with shoplifting in our town.  My immediate response and thought was, “I know this person.  I don’t believe they would do that and until it is proven otherwise, I won’t believe it is true of them.”  When I told this person what I thought, they hugged me and cried, thanking me for thinking the best of them.  It turned out that it was a misunderstanding after all.   I think the most difficult thing for me in leadership is when I believe others have questioned my character or my motives when they didn’t agree with the decision I made.
• Listen – Sometimes people just want to be heard.  When there is a situation that arises that is potentially conflictual, or in which there is some degree of disagreement about the course to take.  The person responsible for making the final decision should be willing to listen to the concerns of those with opposing opinions.  Three things will result:  1) the person will feel heard, 2) the decision-maker may learn something they didn’t already know and, 3) adjustments in the decision can be made.
• Accept Leadership and be a Team Player – this is hard when you have a strong opinion and your opinion isn’t accepted in a decision.  But guess what, that’s being part of a team.  Playing on a team means two things:  1) you play your position, not someone else’s and 2) you ultimately run the play called by the captain or become the reason the team doesn’t win.  If your attitude and motive is for a “team win” rather than a “personal win” you will likely minimize conflict.
• Let go of the Pride – someone recently said that all sin can be boiled down to the issue of pride.  I suppose this is true, at least we know that it can be categorized into three areas according to Scripture:  Lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and the pride of life.  Pride requires that we be “right” no matter what.  Pride leads us to fight for our position at the cost of relationships and integrity.  Pride discounts anyone else’s opinion and pride prevents us from being a team player.
• Do What is Right – granted this will not always keep conflict from occuring.  Sometimes, frankly, it will create conflict.  When you’ve prayed for wisdom and direction, you’ve sought the truth of Scripture, you’ve received counsel and you’ve arrived at a decision that is right based on all these steps, you can rest assured that you’ve made the right decision even if it results in conflict.  Sometimes there’s no way to avoid it.  At that point, your peace comes in knowing you’ve done what was right and finding support and comfort in God’s Spirit and your support system.

The Bottom Line

Knowing that you’ve done the best in making decisions and you’ve done the right thing, while wanting what’s best for the whole, will bring you peace that passes understanding.  There is no way to avoid conflict, but we can lessen the likelihood if we will take these strategies to heart and apply them to your work and life.  After all, sailing the sea of life can be a little rough, but the Master Pilot will lead us if we will allow Him to.

Proverbs 6:16-19

16 These six things the Lord hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: 17 A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, 18 A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, 19 A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren.

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.